This is where it starts to get gross.
Kids, miss out the next few paragraphs if squeamish.
You start using the 4-day underwear – day 1, normal fitting, day 2 back to front, day 3 inside out but normal fitting, day 4 inside out and back to front. One girl told me she extended this several times by at the end of the fourth day “scraping the crusty bits off” Yeeouw! Disgusting, too much information!
You’ve run out of toilet roll and begin to use the “one sheet” method, as follows -
Do business, take one sheet of paper, poke hole in centre, place middle finger through hole, put hand under bottom, scrape off excess crap with finger, pull finger back through hole and, with the other hand, close paper around finger to clean it off. Make mental note not to bite fingernails.
Pissing at the side of the road is "de rigueur" for overlands. It is definitely more hygienic plus service stations with clean toilets (or any toilets, or in fact any service stations at all) are non-existent.
Generally it is boys to one side and girls to the other and the truck will stop whenever necessary though constant stopping and starting plays havoc with the driving times between campsites.
Have you problems with your bladder or bowels normally?
Bear in mind that if it is hot then you will need to drink more, but you will notice that at first you wont drink enough and the frequency of peeing is reduced.
A rule of thumb is that the darker your pee is then the more dehydrated you are. It should be nearly clear, just a hint of a colour.
If your pee becomes very dark, contains blood and it is excruciating to go - then you are in serious trouble and are about to die.
If you have diarrhoea badly, lose all your fluids, don't take any electrolytes and fluids, miss out on the IV drip, fall into a coma - you are about to die.
Part I for females The trick to peeing at the side of the road is as follows -
Never pee on the tarmac, too much splash back, or any hard surface for that matter,
go off the road towards the bush, but make some noise whilst stamping your feet, etc. This is to scare off any snakes nearby.
Try not to pee under overhanging bushes, too many snakes in the branches.
When a place has been found, look out around you for small holes in the ground. These are the homes of the snakes, tarantulas and scorpions. When you pee they will think it is raining and come out for a look.
Be aware of anthills, peeing on them sends the ants into a frenzy because of the ammonia. They will climb quickly up your legs to find the source of their discomfort and attack it in force.
Never go off into the bush when it is thought that animals are nearby. If a large predator is spotted in the middle of a pee, then you will have a shit instead and if you were not prepared for it (i.e. the right stance) then crap on your ankles smells bad very quickly (plus the lack of paper to wipe your bottom is a bad thing).
Try and stand facing a downward slope, i.e. the slope descending towards your front, hitch up skirt and crouch down adjusting length of skirt so that it is a few inches off the ground. Pee.
But let out pee slowly, not all in one rush (splash back will occur on any surface if velocity is too high). Let pee trickle forwards from between your legs and flow in front of you. You can then check for signs of dehydration.
This is the reason for the front facing downward slope, to check the colour, plus the flow can be seen and regulated, plus the route the pee takes can be noted so as to avoid problems with going down snake etc holes.
When finished, stand up, shake bottom a little (if no paper) to release last few drops, then step forward either with one foot each side of the pee stream or deftly jump to one side and walk away.
Easy really.
Apparently, so I'm told, many women shave their, well, you know, private bit down there, as it is easier to dry skin than hair when fluid doesn't drop vertically due to occasional high winds.
Peeing for males on overlands.
First get out of the truck; peeing out through the windows is a no no. Take note of previous entry about hard surfaces and splash back. Walk away from truck towards the bush on opposite side from females.
If you suffer from "stage fright" then try to find a place by yourself. Don't walk too far in to the bush as per previous about wild animals. Try to find a suitable bush/tree to "water" and try and face away from the wind.
It is generally accepted that males like to pee on/against an object.
This is because due to the height from which the pee comes it is difficult to avoid the wet shoe and ankle syndrome (unless you are well hung like me and the end comes close to the ground when released from captivity).
Thus peeing at waist height or a little lower onto an object of the same height causes the pee to run slowly down to the ground rather than bouncing back up.
Note - peeing on the wheels of the truck is the sole prerogative of the driver/leader, to do so without authority results in strict censure.
Whilst peeing keep looking around and down at the ground for animals/insects/scorpions etc that may express an interest in what you are doing.
Never approach a bush and place body/peeing device through the bushy bits where it can't be seen. You never know what’s hiding already inside it.
If no tree/bush or such object close by (e.g. in desert) to eliminate splashing and male is supplied with foreskin then follow the next -
Pinch end of skin blocking off exit of fluid. Fill skin "bag" with urine and stop. With fingers of other hand squeeze "balloon" quickly and at the same time release pinched end slightly. The resulting spurt should clear body by quite a distance thus eliminating the bounce of fluid from the ground (this technique can be used to clear most heights of wall as well if needed).
Repeat until bladder is empty (fill, spurt, fill, spurt etc).
To assist in relieving boredom several males together can indulge in some form of target practice (not at each other unless you are a rugby player) or distance competitions.
If no foreskin and normal sized apparatus then one must crouch down and follow the instructions above regarding the more intelligent and refined of the species.
When finished then a normal shake will suffice. Best to shake up and down rather than side to side, especially if you are standing with your mates in a row.
Do try to avoid the drops remaining that will stain the front of the shorts. Not only is it embarrassing but also when dried in a hot climate, in the back of a truck with many others, the resultant smell will make you an object of ridicule.
Finally, return to vehicle after having a quick and sly look around to see if you can spot any pert young female bottoms still hanging out to dry.
If you are female then you can have a sly look to see if it’s true what they say about the lad with the big feet.
Kids, miss out the next few paragraphs if squeamish.
You start using the 4-day underwear – day 1, normal fitting, day 2 back to front, day 3 inside out but normal fitting, day 4 inside out and back to front. One girl told me she extended this several times by at the end of the fourth day “scraping the crusty bits off” Yeeouw! Disgusting, too much information!
You’ve run out of toilet roll and begin to use the “one sheet” method, as follows -
Do business, take one sheet of paper, poke hole in centre, place middle finger through hole, put hand under bottom, scrape off excess crap with finger, pull finger back through hole and, with the other hand, close paper around finger to clean it off. Make mental note not to bite fingernails.
Pissing at the side of the road is "de rigueur" for overlands. It is definitely more hygienic plus service stations with clean toilets (or any toilets, or in fact any service stations at all) are non-existent.
Generally it is boys to one side and girls to the other and the truck will stop whenever necessary though constant stopping and starting plays havoc with the driving times between campsites.
Have you problems with your bladder or bowels normally?
Bear in mind that if it is hot then you will need to drink more, but you will notice that at first you wont drink enough and the frequency of peeing is reduced.
A rule of thumb is that the darker your pee is then the more dehydrated you are. It should be nearly clear, just a hint of a colour.
If your pee becomes very dark, contains blood and it is excruciating to go - then you are in serious trouble and are about to die.
If you have diarrhoea badly, lose all your fluids, don't take any electrolytes and fluids, miss out on the IV drip, fall into a coma - you are about to die.
Part I for females The trick to peeing at the side of the road is as follows -
Never pee on the tarmac, too much splash back, or any hard surface for that matter,
go off the road towards the bush, but make some noise whilst stamping your feet, etc. This is to scare off any snakes nearby.
Try not to pee under overhanging bushes, too many snakes in the branches.
When a place has been found, look out around you for small holes in the ground. These are the homes of the snakes, tarantulas and scorpions. When you pee they will think it is raining and come out for a look.
Be aware of anthills, peeing on them sends the ants into a frenzy because of the ammonia. They will climb quickly up your legs to find the source of their discomfort and attack it in force.
Never go off into the bush when it is thought that animals are nearby. If a large predator is spotted in the middle of a pee, then you will have a shit instead and if you were not prepared for it (i.e. the right stance) then crap on your ankles smells bad very quickly (plus the lack of paper to wipe your bottom is a bad thing).
Try and stand facing a downward slope, i.e. the slope descending towards your front, hitch up skirt and crouch down adjusting length of skirt so that it is a few inches off the ground. Pee.
But let out pee slowly, not all in one rush (splash back will occur on any surface if velocity is too high). Let pee trickle forwards from between your legs and flow in front of you. You can then check for signs of dehydration.
This is the reason for the front facing downward slope, to check the colour, plus the flow can be seen and regulated, plus the route the pee takes can be noted so as to avoid problems with going down snake etc holes.
When finished, stand up, shake bottom a little (if no paper) to release last few drops, then step forward either with one foot each side of the pee stream or deftly jump to one side and walk away.
Easy really.
Apparently, so I'm told, many women shave their, well, you know, private bit down there, as it is easier to dry skin than hair when fluid doesn't drop vertically due to occasional high winds.
Peeing for males on overlands.
First get out of the truck; peeing out through the windows is a no no. Take note of previous entry about hard surfaces and splash back. Walk away from truck towards the bush on opposite side from females.
If you suffer from "stage fright" then try to find a place by yourself. Don't walk too far in to the bush as per previous about wild animals. Try to find a suitable bush/tree to "water" and try and face away from the wind.
It is generally accepted that males like to pee on/against an object.
This is because due to the height from which the pee comes it is difficult to avoid the wet shoe and ankle syndrome (unless you are well hung like me and the end comes close to the ground when released from captivity).
Thus peeing at waist height or a little lower onto an object of the same height causes the pee to run slowly down to the ground rather than bouncing back up.
Note - peeing on the wheels of the truck is the sole prerogative of the driver/leader, to do so without authority results in strict censure.
Whilst peeing keep looking around and down at the ground for animals/insects/scorpions etc that may express an interest in what you are doing.
Never approach a bush and place body/peeing device through the bushy bits where it can't be seen. You never know what’s hiding already inside it.
If no tree/bush or such object close by (e.g. in desert) to eliminate splashing and male is supplied with foreskin then follow the next -
Pinch end of skin blocking off exit of fluid. Fill skin "bag" with urine and stop. With fingers of other hand squeeze "balloon" quickly and at the same time release pinched end slightly. The resulting spurt should clear body by quite a distance thus eliminating the bounce of fluid from the ground (this technique can be used to clear most heights of wall as well if needed).
Repeat until bladder is empty (fill, spurt, fill, spurt etc).
To assist in relieving boredom several males together can indulge in some form of target practice (not at each other unless you are a rugby player) or distance competitions.
If no foreskin and normal sized apparatus then one must crouch down and follow the instructions above regarding the more intelligent and refined of the species.
When finished then a normal shake will suffice. Best to shake up and down rather than side to side, especially if you are standing with your mates in a row.
Do try to avoid the drops remaining that will stain the front of the shorts. Not only is it embarrassing but also when dried in a hot climate, in the back of a truck with many others, the resultant smell will make you an object of ridicule.
Finally, return to vehicle after having a quick and sly look around to see if you can spot any pert young female bottoms still hanging out to dry.
If you are female then you can have a sly look to see if it’s true what they say about the lad with the big feet.