Typical day (?)
Slept in the cab last night to try and get some quiet and be away from all the snorers. Gearstick made it awkward and hump in the middle has given me backache.
Was woken up at 6am by the cook team from the group banging on the door wanting to know where the matches are to start the fire. Tried to settle down again for a little while but further banging asked me where the spare sugar is, the other stuff has ants in it as the top wasn’t put on properly last night.
Put clothes on, only worn them for a week and not many beer stains so still good for another week or so. Jumped out of cab to find flat tyre at front, must change that before leaving, heard hissing in the night but thought it was just another snake.
Fended off two more questions about where we are going today from the lovey dovey couple who were too busy with each other to remember what I told the group at the evening meal last night.
Found female group member has already made me a cup of coffee (she is so sweet!) but has a few dead ants in it, mustn’t complain, they’re full of protein. Grabbed coffee, toilet roll and spade and gone off into the bush for early morning ablutions.
Return from ten minutes peace and quiet to find usual bedlam, tents stuffed in bags rather than rolled up properly, day packs strewn over the seats from the early risers wanting to reserve the best views, kit leaning against the side of the truck (makes easy route for mice to get in and when they get in the food stocks there is hell to pay), half awake people tripping over forgotten tent pegs, scramble to find lost passport and so on.
Decide to change wheel but too many people jumping in and out of truck to make it safe, might fall off jack. Answer questions about where to change money today, how long will we stop for shopping, how much money needed, where is internet café, anywhere to do laundry, what will weather be like, why person A is being nasty to person B.
Advised again one member to stop scratching mossie bites and to use repellent and long clothes at night and re-dressed infected bite, cleaned and put plaster on another cut finger, told one that the reason he has what looks like blood in his crap is actually the amount of beetroot he ate last night, advised one that he ought to drink plenty of water to get rid of his beer headache, and fantasized over a full cooked English breakfast.
Changed puncture while group had settled down over breakfast (cereal, powdered milk, toast done over the fire, jam, marmalade, scrambled eggs, fruit) but missed out on my toast and jam as was too busy with wheel and cooks had packed everything away when I’d finished. The sweet girl brought me another cup of coffee though. Checked oil and water on truck and paid campsite bill.
Eventually everything packed away and resolved argument over whose litter was left lying around again (“I don’t care whose it is, we’re not going anywhere until it’s picked up.”) diplomatically as ever.
Resolved argument over number/position of windows to be left open, some too cold first thing, some wanting fresh air (“I’m not bothered, I’m sitting in the front, sort it out like adults.”) again as diplomatically as ever.
Asked whoever it is that’s not settled their bar bill to go and do it now. Arbitrated in two arguments over same bar bills “I didn’t have that many beers” and “They said the Amaroula was 10, not 15 a shot” by re-iterating advice to pay for drinks at the time, not run up a tab until you are too pissed to remember what you had, as diplomatically as ever.
Just about to set off then had to wait whilst two of group nipped off for last minute pee which gave me chance for a walk round the camp to pick up three more forgotten tent pegs and do a circuit of the truck to check all panels/doors had been locked (no they hadn’t).
Jumped in drivers seat, turned ignition key ……. and nothing. Grabbed hammer from under seat, jumped out, smacked starter motor and told it that it was an temperamental son of a bitch, jumped back in and “voila”, it starts.
Drive out onto the road looking forward to a nice day of travelling through the African countryside.
During the day Had a nice chat whilst driving with the couple in the front in between “suggestions” from rest of group as to best music to play.
My rule is no music before 9am to give time to wake up without 50 cent swearing at me, Abba making me sing along, Nelly Furtado and Shakira giving me lustful thoughts, Enigma sending me into an hypnotic trance, Kylie giving me dry heaves, Jack Johnson sending me to sleep or Eminem making me feel as though I’ve had a raw deal in this world and I can make everything better by beating someone up at regular intervals.
A couple of hours after setting off I needed to start looking for the first pee stop. The individuals in the group have requested over time that this place fulfils certain criteria –
No animals, snakes, spiders.
No people.
Sufficient bush to provide cover.
No vehicles passing that can spot you.
No muddy ground.
Out of the wind.
It must have stopped raining.
Sufficient shade if hot and sunny.
No one else has “toiletted” there.
Not near any bad smell.
No flies or mossies.
Not in a town.
So I eventually find somewhere and then for the umpteenth time have to remind the same people to use the mild disinfectant solution spray bottle on their hands when they return to help stop gippy tummies – usually it always seems to be the nail biters.
The only funny thing was about the guy who really would like to get a job like mine.
He’s always trying to help, which is a good thing usually, but today he realised he was a little too helpful.
I peed on the driver’s side tyre, as I normally do, but the fluid ran down the camber of the road, under the truck and out the other side. He thought the truck was leaking something and so to find out whether it was water, oil, brake fluid or whatever, he poked his finger in the fluid, smelt it, and then tasted it before attracting my attention to the problem as he couldn’t identify it. After pointing out his error and after he rinsed his mouth out with the aforementioned disinfectant spray I said to him, “It is a common saying where I’m from that if a girl is really ‘the business’ you can you can say to your mates that she is so good looking you would use “her shit for toothpaste and her pee for lemonade”, but I don’t think you feel the same way about me yet, or do you?”
Drove again for an hour or so to a town where we can buy some food. It’s a delicate balance with timekeeping because if you stop in a town near the time for a pee the group complain there is no toilet whilst stuck there, so it is best to stop for shopping about an hour after the last pee stop to give time to complete the task and then drive some way out of town.
Everyone gets out leaving a couple to “guard” the truck whilst I use the time to quickly get myself a cold drink and then diagnose the low power on the truck and repair it by replacing the fuel filters.
Slept in the cab last night to try and get some quiet and be away from all the snorers. Gearstick made it awkward and hump in the middle has given me backache.
Was woken up at 6am by the cook team from the group banging on the door wanting to know where the matches are to start the fire. Tried to settle down again for a little while but further banging asked me where the spare sugar is, the other stuff has ants in it as the top wasn’t put on properly last night.
Put clothes on, only worn them for a week and not many beer stains so still good for another week or so. Jumped out of cab to find flat tyre at front, must change that before leaving, heard hissing in the night but thought it was just another snake.
Fended off two more questions about where we are going today from the lovey dovey couple who were too busy with each other to remember what I told the group at the evening meal last night.
Found female group member has already made me a cup of coffee (she is so sweet!) but has a few dead ants in it, mustn’t complain, they’re full of protein. Grabbed coffee, toilet roll and spade and gone off into the bush for early morning ablutions.
Return from ten minutes peace and quiet to find usual bedlam, tents stuffed in bags rather than rolled up properly, day packs strewn over the seats from the early risers wanting to reserve the best views, kit leaning against the side of the truck (makes easy route for mice to get in and when they get in the food stocks there is hell to pay), half awake people tripping over forgotten tent pegs, scramble to find lost passport and so on.
Decide to change wheel but too many people jumping in and out of truck to make it safe, might fall off jack. Answer questions about where to change money today, how long will we stop for shopping, how much money needed, where is internet café, anywhere to do laundry, what will weather be like, why person A is being nasty to person B.
Advised again one member to stop scratching mossie bites and to use repellent and long clothes at night and re-dressed infected bite, cleaned and put plaster on another cut finger, told one that the reason he has what looks like blood in his crap is actually the amount of beetroot he ate last night, advised one that he ought to drink plenty of water to get rid of his beer headache, and fantasized over a full cooked English breakfast.
Changed puncture while group had settled down over breakfast (cereal, powdered milk, toast done over the fire, jam, marmalade, scrambled eggs, fruit) but missed out on my toast and jam as was too busy with wheel and cooks had packed everything away when I’d finished. The sweet girl brought me another cup of coffee though. Checked oil and water on truck and paid campsite bill.
Eventually everything packed away and resolved argument over whose litter was left lying around again (“I don’t care whose it is, we’re not going anywhere until it’s picked up.”) diplomatically as ever.
Resolved argument over number/position of windows to be left open, some too cold first thing, some wanting fresh air (“I’m not bothered, I’m sitting in the front, sort it out like adults.”) again as diplomatically as ever.
Asked whoever it is that’s not settled their bar bill to go and do it now. Arbitrated in two arguments over same bar bills “I didn’t have that many beers” and “They said the Amaroula was 10, not 15 a shot” by re-iterating advice to pay for drinks at the time, not run up a tab until you are too pissed to remember what you had, as diplomatically as ever.
Just about to set off then had to wait whilst two of group nipped off for last minute pee which gave me chance for a walk round the camp to pick up three more forgotten tent pegs and do a circuit of the truck to check all panels/doors had been locked (no they hadn’t).
Jumped in drivers seat, turned ignition key ……. and nothing. Grabbed hammer from under seat, jumped out, smacked starter motor and told it that it was an temperamental son of a bitch, jumped back in and “voila”, it starts.
Drive out onto the road looking forward to a nice day of travelling through the African countryside.
During the day Had a nice chat whilst driving with the couple in the front in between “suggestions” from rest of group as to best music to play.
My rule is no music before 9am to give time to wake up without 50 cent swearing at me, Abba making me sing along, Nelly Furtado and Shakira giving me lustful thoughts, Enigma sending me into an hypnotic trance, Kylie giving me dry heaves, Jack Johnson sending me to sleep or Eminem making me feel as though I’ve had a raw deal in this world and I can make everything better by beating someone up at regular intervals.
A couple of hours after setting off I needed to start looking for the first pee stop. The individuals in the group have requested over time that this place fulfils certain criteria –
No animals, snakes, spiders.
No people.
Sufficient bush to provide cover.
No vehicles passing that can spot you.
No muddy ground.
Out of the wind.
It must have stopped raining.
Sufficient shade if hot and sunny.
No one else has “toiletted” there.
Not near any bad smell.
No flies or mossies.
Not in a town.
So I eventually find somewhere and then for the umpteenth time have to remind the same people to use the mild disinfectant solution spray bottle on their hands when they return to help stop gippy tummies – usually it always seems to be the nail biters.
The only funny thing was about the guy who really would like to get a job like mine.
He’s always trying to help, which is a good thing usually, but today he realised he was a little too helpful.
I peed on the driver’s side tyre, as I normally do, but the fluid ran down the camber of the road, under the truck and out the other side. He thought the truck was leaking something and so to find out whether it was water, oil, brake fluid or whatever, he poked his finger in the fluid, smelt it, and then tasted it before attracting my attention to the problem as he couldn’t identify it. After pointing out his error and after he rinsed his mouth out with the aforementioned disinfectant spray I said to him, “It is a common saying where I’m from that if a girl is really ‘the business’ you can you can say to your mates that she is so good looking you would use “her shit for toothpaste and her pee for lemonade”, but I don’t think you feel the same way about me yet, or do you?”
Drove again for an hour or so to a town where we can buy some food. It’s a delicate balance with timekeeping because if you stop in a town near the time for a pee the group complain there is no toilet whilst stuck there, so it is best to stop for shopping about an hour after the last pee stop to give time to complete the task and then drive some way out of town.
Everyone gets out leaving a couple to “guard” the truck whilst I use the time to quickly get myself a cold drink and then diagnose the low power on the truck and repair it by replacing the fuel filters.